On Saturday, CBC and I travelled to Watford for a day and night of Swing-dance courtesy of JiveSwing, our dance class, which is a big organisation of classes, ours being just one. It was a great day, we had some super classes- the day was held in honour of Frankie Manning's 100th birthday (if he was still alive)- the Father of bringing Swing dance back to the UK in the '80's.
We had two lindy-hop classes, learning a Frankie lindy-stroll and then a dips and tricks workshop. CBC decided he wanted to do some authentic jazz instead so I had to find another partner to dance with and managed to dance with a fun, young guy I met in the queue- it was hilarious as we learned to do these dips. I got the giggles as I had to spend a long time hugging him as we learnt a dip and then a move where I had to swing under his arm. I am suffering today though as my quads are really aching as the move involved rotating in a squat position!
In the evening, I wore the above outfit. I didn't take any photos-crazy for me! CBC just got this slightly blurry one of me- I wore the dress I picked up a while back, worn with my birthday petticoat and a wired headband- I really like these!
Anyway, in the evening, apart from many enjoyable dances together, CBC was asked to dance lots by lots of ladies. I was asked to dance a few times by some guys although not as many and felt a wallflower at times. It's so silly but the pair of us are so insecure about asking people to dance just in case they think we are rubbish! Everyone else seems perfectly happy to ask other people to dance (it's the way your dancing improves). It's silly because I did spend a some time standing at the edge wishing someone would ask me to dance but like my teenage-self, in my stupid subconscious, didn't want anyone to think that I really wanted to dance, so I didn't get disappointed if they didn't dance. I am an idiot- I am 33 and should just get on with it. It's funny though, sometimes I feel much more confident. Last night, I found myself thinking that the reason is because I always want to do something well and never want to be thought to be bad at something and I am not an expert at lindy and probably never will be, I just love it.
Yet, this morning, I played in my new church for the first time (9am rehearsal after getting to bed at 2am!!!!! I was KNACKERED!). I KNOW that I am a a capable flautist and I know I play well and I know that when I am in the spirit at church, I will play and worship with my heart and soul. I know from 10 years of playing at my old church that my playing really helps people to worship. And yet, I was worrying to myself that people would be judging me and didn't want people to say nice things to me just in case they were just being nice, not meaning it! Of all the ridiculous things to think!?!???!!?! Of course they're not, it's just my stupid mind. Of course, once I started playing, I felt myself fill with the spirit and felt the insecurities fly away.
It's interesting that Stuart, a guy was being baptised today and he talked about how he had faced anxiety in his life and couldn't seem to snap out of it until he gave his life to God. And it struck me, when I feel most insecure and lacking confidence is when I stop praying, speaking to God and reading the Bible, when I've left tiredness and laziness get in the way, just let slip and then all my insecurities come back. So today, I will reclaim my confidence and be strong in the knowledge that I do have talents that God has given me and I can do well and be strengthened by him in my prayers. And there may be things that I am not talented at, but they are things I should enjoy because they are God-given and I've been given the freedom to enjoy these! Be the best that I can be but accept that I will not always be the best but I can have the most fun!
Linking to Visible Mondays with dear Patti
An interesting post to read.
ReplyDeleteI've always been really insecure in anything that involves other people - I hate being in situations where people are watching me (I have never danced and will not - too self conscious!) and am really shy and awkward and insecure when dealing with people. I've always been like that, I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I don't think I'll ever be once of those confident people who can easily talk, and make conversation, with others and finds it easy to join in and be part of a group.
I've spent years wishing I could be 'normal' like that, but I think I've given up trying now and accept that I'll never be that way, I'm quite happy on my own, doing my own thing really! Though it would make work-life easier, especially doing supply, if I found it easier to fit in!
The hard part of life is being ok with people watching you fail. It never gets easier!!
ReplyDeleteMost of us have moments of insecurity - trust me, as you get older, it gets easier to manage them. Focus on the times you have been confident, and know that you are a talented young woman, with lots to offer [and half the time, other people will not notice your little mistakes which trouble you so much] xxx
ReplyDeleteI agree with Angela- this is something that definitely gets better with age. Really other people do not notice us very much, and I am sure at church, your music is deeply appreciated. Thanks for sharing with Visible Monday, xox.
ReplyDeleteOh how I get tangled in my thoughts. Prevents me from taking many chances that I should be brave enough to handle. Much better than I used to be at it, but still often paralyzed. Always figure I will be rejected or a bother if I were to approach someone. I even feel that way about blog commenting. So many times I hold back. So glad to hear you taking steps towards combating this. All the best, dear :)
ReplyDeleteI used to be shy and insecure with other people too. But as other ladies mentioned, it gets better with age.
ReplyDeleteIt is a pity you didn't take more photos of this outfit, very beautiful indeed!
Kezzie, I often feel the same way - I can be insecure about things - we just have to get on and do it x
ReplyDeleteKezzie you look so beautiful in that photo. The older I have got the more confident I have got, I still care what people think about me but I don't need everyone to like me.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Patti, you'll get to a certain age and you'll just stop worrying about what people think. I know I did. People will like you whether or not you're a good dancer, in fact they'll probably like you even more for asking them to dance. xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Kezzie, thank you so much for writing this post it has really stuck a chord within me and is something I'm really needing to hear today about being all you can be with what you have at the time. I've never been perfect but I think it is only apparent how good things were. even when you didn't thinks so, when something is lost or changed.
ReplyDeleteYou look lovely in your outfit and have nailed the look perfectly. I can identify with how you feel and the need to be 'perfect' and not lose face in some abstract way. My friend and I used to go to ceroc and leroc classes and I regret now that my friend and I were not being bolder in asking more men to dance during the free dance periods for that fear of rejection or offending the woman they were with. As you get older you do get slightly more confident or possibly just don't care so much. It is quite true that we regret lost opportunities more than trying for fear we might fail.
I seem to switch between being insecure and unable to ask for what i want in some situations, to being almost the opposite in others and I don't really know waht causes either of them; I'm madly insecure about my looks, size and shape and I don't think that will ever cahnge as all it seems to do is get worse with time.
ReplyDeleteJust been catching up with your recent posts.
ReplyDeleteYou did have a very eventful time on the barge! Glad you got through it all ok.
Love the posts on Petworth, it's such a pretty place.
Love lots of your recent outifts, the art inspired ones are just fab and I love the boat jumper. You inspire me to look a bit more into my wardrobe and see what's possible.
Lisa x
I LOVE swing dancing! Often in dances like that, people are quick to ask a new person to dance. It is so social. Were you standing in a hard to get to place? I have always wrestled with being awkward and doubting myself while being too hyper to be still and blend in to the background. I have grown to know that I normally fail at and what I normally succeed at. But I am still drawn into things I am not strong at. Then I dread and stress about whatever the thing is that I need to do. I find it interesting that it is when you are least confident that you are least likely to pray. Are you feeling awkward toward God as well?
ReplyDeleteYour personality and character, your sweet smile and quirky charm will have people so transfixed they will not notice if your dancing isn't perfect. When you are playing your flute people are just thinking wow I wish I could do that.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Lovely thoughts and post, Kezzie. Know you were brilliant ... perhaps your gorgeous dress and birthday petticoat were just too darling, and you intimidated the crowd with your wonderfulness. Thank you for the description of the dancing!
ReplyDeleteArtists throughout the ages have gotten into that lovely zone you find (like so many before you) in your church, or whenever you take your music to the divine. Fine reminder.
I can identify with this - when I'm at parties (or at after church coffee) I will stand lumpishly hoping someone will come and talk to me, because I'm not good at starting conversations, especially in French. But more and more I force myself to start conversations with others...and usually it works out okay.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure it's got easier with age though!!!
That's a very interesting connection I'd never thought of at all -- staying close to God, and feeling secure. But it does make sense, doesn't it? If we are his children, we will certainly feel much more secure in life if we are tucked close to him. Hmm. You seem to me to be a person with loads of gifts and talents. I mean, just your musical gifts alone are pretty amazing, I think!
ReplyDeleteGoing to forites events, people assume you dance but we don't so went to a few classes but all the men there were so much shorter than me which made it so much harder and I felt very ungraceful, particularly on twirls when they would knock me on the side of the head! I always lived in fear of being asked to dance but I am sure with all the classes you went to, any man would love to dance with you xxx
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