I keep smiling and am being positive but confess I am feeling a bit gloomy today. CBC couldn't stop coughing all day and is really depressed and saying it's on his chest if he can't stop coughing. It was a struggle to get him to drink and eat though he did eat some of the porridge with walnuts, honey and pears, a bowl of carrot and lentil soup, half a bagel and a bowl of tomato pasta and 2 glasses of juice. Did I mention that I had to have a test? I got a message from the local Track and Trace team on Thursday morning saying that they are asking all those who are in contact with someone who tests positive to have a test, regardless of if they have symptoms or not.
It came through this afternoon and honestly, the whole process was really difficult. I have a terrible gagging reflex on my left side of my mouth (also bad on the right but at least I can tolerate a bit of poking) to the extent my dentist has given up trying to x-ray that side of my mouth because I cannot keep the x-ray plate in place without wretching it out, even a child-sized one. I COULD not keep the poking swab touching my tonsils for even 4 seconds without my tongue smacking it out and when I put it up my nose that I really struggled to actually remember to twirl it around. Not sure if the test has gone well. Then trying to assemble the prepackaged box was a joke- I managed to break it!
It felt weird going out of the house- I had to go and post it in a priority mail box which meant a little walk. I knew I was allowed to be out for this purpose but I did feel like somehow secret cameras were tracking me and saying, "Why are you out of your house?"
I wish CBC would stop coughing though. I also wish I could help him more. I did break the 2 metre rule earlier when he was so miserable. I wore my mask and went over and stroked his hair as he lay there. I was only there for a minute or so but hoping it is ok. It's so hard to feel so helpless.
Anyway, here's something cheerful! This was an outfit from my last week at school before quarantining. It's that rainbow skirt again and lots of other rainbowy bits you've seen this week- just with different socks and shoes (both purchased from the men's department of shops) and a Cath Kidston thin star blazer.
Keep being positive is what I keep telling CBC when he worries about what the days ahead hold. I will keep praying and being strong. But I'm confessing that I did feel a bit blue today.
Thanks so much for all your comments and encouragement- you all mean a lot to me.
I've very much enjoyed watching the Salvation Army Carol Concert on Youtube tonight. It is really lovely and it was a good reminder to me to donate to their Christmas appeal as I had had a reminder through the post. I recently discovered that my family tree actually links to the founders of the Salvation army, the Booth family (since it is a common surname, didn't think about it) and I have always had an affection for the Salvation Army since my much beloved flute teacher, from the age of 11-16, and his family was a member of the local corps and he one of the conductors of the Salvation Army Symphonic Wind Ensemble and I used to play with them for a couple of years, travelling around to various Salvation army halls to play concerts of windband music. It was a happy time and I am forever grateful to him for that wonderful experience. I even discovered that Zoe from Splodz Blogz played with them too- so there's even a blogger link.
Well, this Advent IS going to be a bit more at home now as I am having to isolate at home as CBC started to feel a little unwell on Friday, not really anything to write home about but he had had a sore throat and an occasional need to cough to clear the tickle in his throat on Thursday night. He generally felt fine though but as a precaution, he booked a test and it came through as positive this evening. We've been keeping to separate bedrooms and bathrooms and been at least 3 metres away from each other since, mostly in different rooms, since he said he had a sore throat, just in case. So, that means no school for me this week. I feel wistful about it because I was due to spend the week in year 3, taking all of their PPA cover and generally supporting and I was due to do my last choir and drumming club (have done these for 3 weeks for single year groups) - some of the children who were due to come to choir this week had had to isolate for 2 weeks and were looking forward to their one week of choir- I was also due to record my Christmas song with them.
To be honest, I am really quite surprised he tested positive- he really seemed more like he had a cold- I didn't expect it, especially as I am pretty certain we both had it in March- what with my complete loss of taste and smell and other mild symptoms.
However, I am at peace with the situation and I want to reflect on the positives in the situation:
1. I am sorry that CBC is unwell but he feels generally ok, so far, praise God, and I pray it continues and doesn't change.
2. Although I am sad HE is ill, I am glad, in a sense that it was him that got it, not me, because he would be really, really grumpy with me right now if I was the reason he is stuck at home, so I am glad I can be sanguine about it for him.
3. I am glad that he was cautious enough to get a test, even though he didn't really have really obvious symptoms- means that I haven't potentially taken any germs into school, esp as I am itinerant.
4. I am glad we have the room to have separate bedrooms, bathrooms and even rooms with sofas to sit in- I am currently in the study sitting on the sofa in there, with my feet up on a stool, listening to the SA concert. So many people do not have this luxury. I am glad that our lounge was able to accommodate us at a 3m distance for when we ate dinner.
5. I am glad we have essentially kept our distance since Thursday night. Even though we were convinced he just had a sore throat from having to do Parents evening on Zoom for hours, I am glad I made the decision to sleep in the spare room.
6. I am glad I managed to go and stock up on shopping essentials before having to isolate.
7. I am glad that I WASN'T due to be covering all my usual lessons this week as we are off timetable from regular lessons to do fun activities with the children. I don't feel like I am missing out on my music lessons I should have been doing.
8. I am glad that the timing of this is so close to the end of term so our absence won't have a huge impact on timetabling of lessons
9. I am glad I bought home my recorders from school on Friday so I can practice the piece I wanted to.
10. I am glad I have done the majority of my Christmas shopping.
11. Although our Christmas celebrations are very much dependent on if I actually developed any symptoms, and CBC getting better, and being cautious, I am glad that the timing may be ok for us possibly, God willing, if we were to celebrate with my Mother-in-Law (who will be alone otherwise) we may have had an enforced natural quarantine to allow us to stay with her safely. I am still not sure about what we are doing though.
12. I am glad that there are so many wonderful church services to watch and join in with on Youtube.
13. I am glad for my kind work colleague who I have chatted to this weekend.
14. I am glad for not having to travel on the trains for a week!
15. I am glad that I walked for a few miles yesterday since I won't be able to for 10 days!
16. I am glad that I am able to pray to God and that I have the trust and belief in him- I know that my calmness and peace about this situation comes from him- I am usually a serial worrier.
Hoping all is well with you. If you are in the habit of praying, please pray that CBC's symptoms do not worsen, that I do not develop any symptoms and that we stay safe and well. If you have anything you would like me to pray for, please let me know below.
I will probably be away from the Blogosphere for the next week or so for a few reasons.
Firstly, we moved house yesterday- well, we moved the bulk of the stuff. We have been moving bits and pieces since the 16th December but yesterday we hired a van and moved a lot of stuff and since the beds and the suchlike are over there- we slept our first night there last night and will do onwards. I won't be able to post as the internet is not beginning there until the 15th January.
We were both really knackered but thankful for the help from CBC's old housemate and his brother and fell asleep, after putting on a duvet cover and pillowcases, in our new bed.
Unfortunately, we woke to the worst news this morning. The wonderful WOMOTM, CBC's Dad, died this morning. He has been deteriorating in health over the past few years with a degenerative lung condition and was taken into hospital this week but he deteriorated on Thursday. The pair of us are wishing that we had gone up now, CBC, of course, especially. He phoned me this morning saying that he needed to go up there but his Dad died in the meantime. He has now gone up on the train to join his Mum and sister. I'm here packing up some more things. It's such rotten timing with moving- if we hadn't been, he might have been able to get up there in time to see him. It is hard to believe that this wonderful man is no longer with us. My heart is full of pity for CBC and mourning for this humble man and many regrets for times missed. I expect we will be up there for his funeral soon.
I was off school for the past two days and
felt dreadful. A cough sprang from literally no where on Sunday night (you know
you usually get a gradual unwell feeling that grows- not in this case). I didn’t sleep and then it pervaded all
through Monday- a real hacking, squeaking cough that wouldn’t leave me alone.
Tuesday, I gradually felt worse, the cough rendering speaking, shouting and
singing really difficult. When I didn’t
sleep on Tuesday night, I woke up on Wednesday feeling so dreadful, nose now
completely bunged up, splitting headache from the coughing and blocked synuses
so that I phoned my Deputy head to say I
wasn’t going to come in. All day
Wednesday, I slept most of the day, waking occasionally and then sleeping. But in those waking moments, I felt really
guilty, worried about the lessons I was missing, worrying about the
implications of cover and then those feelings of worrying people thinking,
“Why’s she being so pathetic over a cough?”, “She should have dragged herself
in.” especially after I was sent home last week (over some other health issue). CBC came home later and I felt guilty that
I’d had the day off, I hadn’t done anything useful but slept and rested- but
why?
And I always feel like this, whenever I
don’t make it in. To be fair, I’m
usually only off for 1-3 days a year, which is perhaps too much, but in my job,
I really do seem to pick up all the bugs, especially at this time of year and
if I don’t take a day, then I struggle on for months. The vicar’s wife always used to comment on
this, how things seem to linger with me through the early months of a
year. Most of the time I battle on
through them, but sometimes it’s just too much and I know my body. Primary music teaching is really physical,
(well any teaching is) – I need my voice ALL the time and singing is the WORST
thing you can do on a sore throat – I worry that I have nodules on my vocal
chords after the battering I have given them. 30 children need lots of
encouragement, constant impetus and leading, keeping on track (when doing whole
class and group work),leading at the piano, leading vocally, modelling,
supporting. The sound level with a
headache, is usually horrendous- you can’t have a quiet music lesson, apart
from a listening lesson and you can’t make primary pupils do that for an entire
hour!
When my deputy phoned to ask if I’d be in
on Thursday, I said to her that I really still didn’t feel well and I
apologised profusely, at which point she said, “You know, it’s ok to be ill and
to take the time to get better.” And it
struck me- these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and worries of people doubting
me- they’re all completely stupid and hinder getting better. I think in these
times, we are all afraid to admit we’re ill, afraid to take the time to get
better that we need. Somehow, it’s been
drafted into us that we aren’t allowed to be ill, aren’t allowed to show
weakness or take the time to get better. Society dictates that we must be well and
deal with things in our own time. We are
doubted – is she/he really ill?
A blogger I really like lots was recently
off work for a while with a horrid health issue. And some horrid anonymous commenter left a
couple of comments basically doubting that she was actually sick and hinting
that her boss should look at her blog which I thought was typical of this
approach to thinking about illness nowadays- doubting someone and wondering why
they are not at work. Ladies and
gentlemen, people need recovery time- they might not always ‘look’ physically
ill, but they can be and generally are!!
Anyway, I went in on Friday. Yep, I don’t feel better but I sure feel
better than I would have done had I struggled through work for the past 2 days.
What about you? How do you feel about being ill and having to
take time off? Do you feel the guilt and
worry about it?
