I was off school for the past two days and
felt dreadful. A cough sprang from literally no where on Sunday night (you know
you usually get a gradual unwell feeling that grows- not in this case). I didn’t sleep and then it pervaded all
through Monday- a real hacking, squeaking cough that wouldn’t leave me alone.
Tuesday, I gradually felt worse, the cough rendering speaking, shouting and
singing really difficult. When I didn’t
sleep on Tuesday night, I woke up on Wednesday feeling so dreadful, nose now
completely bunged up, splitting headache from the coughing and blocked synuses
so that I phoned my Deputy head to say I
wasn’t going to come in. All day
Wednesday, I slept most of the day, waking occasionally and then sleeping. But in those waking moments, I felt really
guilty, worried about the lessons I was missing, worrying about the
implications of cover and then those feelings of worrying people thinking,
“Why’s she being so pathetic over a cough?”, “She should have dragged herself
in.” especially after I was sent home last week (over some other health issue). CBC came home later and I felt guilty that
I’d had the day off, I hadn’t done anything useful but slept and rested- but
why?
And I always feel like this, whenever I
don’t make it in. To be fair, I’m
usually only off for 1-3 days a year, which is perhaps too much, but in my job,
I really do seem to pick up all the bugs, especially at this time of year and
if I don’t take a day, then I struggle on for months. The vicar’s wife always used to comment on
this, how things seem to linger with me through the early months of a
year. Most of the time I battle on
through them, but sometimes it’s just too much and I know my body. Primary music teaching is really physical,
(well any teaching is) – I need my voice ALL the time and singing is the WORST
thing you can do on a sore throat – I worry that I have nodules on my vocal
chords after the battering I have given them. 30 children need lots of
encouragement, constant impetus and leading, keeping on track (when doing whole
class and group work),leading at the piano, leading vocally, modelling,
supporting. The sound level with a
headache, is usually horrendous- you can’t have a quiet music lesson, apart
from a listening lesson and you can’t make primary pupils do that for an entire
hour!
When my deputy phoned to ask if I’d be in
on Thursday, I said to her that I really still didn’t feel well and I
apologised profusely, at which point she said, “You know, it’s ok to be ill and
to take the time to get better.” And it
struck me- these feelings of guilt, inadequacy and worries of people doubting
me- they’re all completely stupid and hinder getting better. I think in these
times, we are all afraid to admit we’re ill, afraid to take the time to get
better that we need. Somehow, it’s been
drafted into us that we aren’t allowed to be ill, aren’t allowed to show
weakness or take the time to get better. Society dictates that we must be well and
deal with things in our own time. We are
doubted – is she/he really ill?
A blogger I really like lots was recently
off work for a while with a horrid health issue. And some horrid anonymous commenter left a
couple of comments basically doubting that she was actually sick and hinting
that her boss should look at her blog which I thought was typical of this
approach to thinking about illness nowadays- doubting someone and wondering why
they are not at work. Ladies and
gentlemen, people need recovery time- they might not always ‘look’ physically
ill, but they can be and generally are!!
Anyway, I went in on Friday. Yep, I don’t feel better but I sure feel
better than I would have done had I struggled through work for the past 2 days.
What about you? How do you feel about being ill and having to
take time off? Do you feel the guilt and
worry about it?
