Hi friends,
I hope you are well. Thank you so much for your support for my last post. What a turmoil the last week has been! I didn't get the job. Largely, due to my inability to 'big myself up' and be really positive about my skills and attributes.
On Friday, I had the two lesson observations and then a tour and long interview (interview lasted over an hour!)
My two lesson observations went really well. Despite the lack of instruments, the children seemed to really enjoy what we did in both year 6 and Reception and were engaged and focused and willing to join in. It's actually the first ever lesson observations I've had to do for a job interview. Very surreal to be teaching 13, and then 6 children respectively having to maintain 2metre social distancing and not being able use equipment.
The school was really lovely. Beautiful ground and they'd even recently got bee hives which we all know are important to me with the association with my Grandad.
My interview was...not good. A few elements went really well but I did just get a blank mind at times at the same time as babbling. I said some unbelievably silly things. You know the classic question they say you will get in interviews- what are your weaknesses? Well, I've not had it before but in the moment I managed to let them know that my Deputy Head (who really liked, valued and respected me) had said "You're a bloody nightmare but I love you!" -it was in the context of being chaotic but what in my head was going to turn into, "But I am meticulous at making sure all the elements and things get done- but to a bystander, it might look chaotic". However, realising I had just said what I'd said, I panicked and forgot what I was trying to say. I also didn't big up my drama skills enough suggesting that I might need a bit of support in terms of schemes of work (because whilst I had drama teaching skills and acting skills and have produced musicals, I have never actually planned weekly lessons with progression for children because drama is not a stand alone subject in state sector schools. However, I didn't communicate that coherently).
And that's the thing that cost me the job. I knew that they liked my application because I submitted it when they had already invited candidates to interview the next day and the Head still phoned me up to invite me to interview, telling me I had a really impressive CV and in the feedback the Head gave me on the phone this morning, he said out of the 6 candidates, I was probably the best teacher (he said my lessons were phenomenal and the kids really loved me) and that my school were really lucky to have me. But when I said, "Can you give me feedback on any stupid answers I gave?!" (thinking about aforementioned comments as well as others), he said, that perhaps I needed to dwell on my positives more rather than my negatives. He said that it was really close and that's why I hadn't heard till today but the candidate they chose was more confident on her drama skills as that is her life. (I'm hoping her music teaching is as good, since that is the majority of the teaching side!)
And that's that. It was rather like a storm in a teacup. I had 2.5 days of severe anxiety from application to interview where I wasn't sure whether I wanted the job and feeling dreadfully guilty about the thought of leaving my school in the lurch, talking and emailing wonderful friends (including YOU,
Ang, you helped me SO much, thank you SO much for your coherent and wise support). Then I had the interview which was till 4pm on Friday (from 1pm). Then the nerves of waiting for a phonecall which didn't come. Our immediate assumption on not getting a call on Friday was that I was probably their second choice and they were waiting for definite acceptance from the successful candidate (particularly because one of the other 6 candidates who we know, got a phonecall on Friday night about 5pm telling him he wasn't successful). I spent a tortured weekend trying to make a decision on whether I would accept or refuse if they even offered the job, beating myself up about saying stupid things (CBC and his Mum were both dismayed when I told them what I'd said!) and I was still unsure until they called me at 8.50 this morning as CBC was driving me to the station to go to school. CBC found my whole indecision torturous- I really do have decisive anxiety- I can't describe how crippled by it I feel to someone who doesn't get this way.
As I sat waiting for my train, I cried. I phoned my Mum and then Dad and then my work colleague R who has been such a support this weekend.
I sat in my Doctor Who face mask (I HATE wearing a mask....really do!) on the train suddenly thinking of all the positives about the job and how actually I DID want the job.
As I reached school and sat in a hall full of teachers, more close to people than I've been in a 3 months and my Headteacher talked at us for 2 hours, I felt so gloomy and miserable that I had mucked up. At the same time, at the weekend, I was praying at times, for God to take the decision for me so I didn't have to take one, so perhaps it was as well. I felt all the positives of working near CBC
Don't get me wrong, there were still things I had reservations about such as a reduction in salary, not the easiest travel arrangements if I didn't want to rely on CBC for a lift, worrying whether I could do all the big musicals organisation as well as the previous Director of Music, job security in the private sector at these times...BUT somehow, I realised that actually, Yes, I really could do that job damn well.
The work colleagues that I told were SO kind and so supportive. My Deputy Head, who I'd told I was applying the day before, was SO relieved I didn't get it but at the same time, was sad for me and supportive and kind. I cried about 5 times today but I trust that this wasn't right and perhaps, it has shown me that, yes, I can leave. Even though, one of my key worries was what would replace me and whether they'd manage to find someone to replace me, I did realise that actually, perhaps change wouldn't be so bad.
That said, I really value my colleagues and I am SO LUCKY to have a job which is secure and where I am super valued in a time when many people are losing their jobs. I think I may even have seen a tear in my DH's eye!
Strange times being back at school- I am to be one of the teachers looking after the keyworker children - it's going to be very odd and difficult- I don't think my mood was helped by the feeling of "ARGHGH!" that I was feeling going back to work on such a cold and gloomy day
But, all things work to the good and I am needed where I currently am at the moment. And actually, it's caused me, as I said to my DH, to reflect that I perhaps won't do ALL the clubs all the time I do at school if my health (voice) is suffering and she also pointed out that she told my Head Teacher that one of the reasons I was applying, was that I was a bit fed up of the behaviour where there isn't always support, for certain individuals- she thought it was important he knew that, as it was such a shock for them that I was applying for something else...after 13 years...to realise that it IS impossible to teach music when someone is kicking off.
I wanted to write this because it helps me to put things into writing. I am so much better at being eloquent when typing.
Wishing you a blessed week.
xx
