My Grandad

Hello there,

Firstly, thank you for ALL your love, support, prayers, care and concern you showed to me over my Grandad over the last 3 weeks or so, and before that.  I am sorry I am only telling you now, but I didn't want to publish my post before now.

Unfortunately, he passed away on Monday evening at about 6.45-7pm (or that's when the nurses found out, I am not sure exactly.).  He had been off the drip and hadn't eaten/drunk anything since Wednesday night last week/Thursday morning as he had refused treatment and just seemed to want to do it his way. That's him- never one to show emotion, to ask for help, proud and fiercely independent.

I was away for a week in Northumberland and Oxford, so I hadn't seen him for a week, but I knew that he would not die before I got to see him.  You may not believe what I do, but I knew that God would give me that opportunity to see him.

I went after 3pm on Monday and CBC drove me.  I asked him to drop me off at the door and he went to go and find free parking in a nearby road.  I wanted that time with him.  He had been moved to him own room.  When I saw him, I was shocked and startled as he had deteriorated so much in the week I hadn't seen him. There seemed to be not much of him left, his eyes were barely open, looking to the side.  He looked like a frail old man, his mouth wide open and dry and dreadfully ill, he couldn't speak but I immediately stroked his hair throughout and talked to him about my week in Northumberland.  I talked to him of God and that He was there for him if he only wanted to see him, speak to him, ask for him, I sang him my song I had completed writing that week- Love so amazing  I told him I loved him lots, kissed his forehead, demonstrated some lindy-hop for him that I'd learnt 2 weeks ago.  He opened his eyes wide as I talked alone to him and groaned once as I spoke.   I noticed his radio was on Radio 1, he loved classical music so I changed it to Radio 3 for him and we listened to Baroque Music. I talked more to him.  At which point, I went quickly outside  to ask the nurse what the situation was.  They said they were keeping him comfortable now, no other treatment apart from moistening his mouth every 2 hours, applying emolient to his skin, changing his lying position as he could not do it himself.  When I came back, his eyes had closed a bit, not fully shut but staring, unseeing from the bottom, and he was snoring.  CBC arrived at that point to see snoring Grandad.  We could hear the rattle from his chest inbetween the snores. I continued to talk to him, stroke his hair, we asked the nurse to moisten his mouth and they moved his position towards the end of our visit.  It was around 6pm and it seemed that he would not wake up and we felt it would be better to leave him to rest peacefully, it felt right. As I kissed his head, stroked his head, said I loved him and told him to remember what I had said earlier to him, he opened his eyes wider, which CBC saw: he was seeing us off.   As we were going to go, I asked CBC to go and get the car and pick me up, I needed a little more time with him.   Alone once more, I told him I loved him again, reminded him that that God loved him, he made one more gasping groan, I wasn't really sure which.  I kissed his forehead a few more times as my tears fell on his forehead and said goodbye repeatedly, reluctant to leave.  It was 6.15pm.

Despite the trauma of how he looked and the sadness, I was proud, glad and honoured to spend that time with him, even if I got little response. We know not what the heart feels or the seemingly unconscious brain knows and registers and if he somehow could sense I was with him and knew I loved him, then any distressed I might feel was well worth it. I have a lifetime to get over it whereas he has little time.  He knew I was there from opening his eyes and those 2 groans.  He died some 45 minutes later or less. I was the last one to see him alive.  I am understandably upset but I am so glad that I had that time with him, so glad I could stroke his head and tell him I loved him.  I loved him, I love him, I will always love him and I pray for forgiveness for all I left undone and all I failed to do.  God bless his soul. xxx