When CBC, sent out written invitations (and Facebook and e-mails and text messages) for his robot party, he became increasingly frustrated that he could not yield replies to his party. People who he asked by word of mouth said at first, that yes, they would come. Then, gradually, one by one, other things came up. One person, on the Friday said they couldn't come. Several on the day said they couldn't come. Others (due to family birth- could only drop in. Yet, it took me sending a text message on the day, checking they were still actually coming, for them to say, they could only come for a half an hour.).
He had spent a long while buying and creating decorations, planning food, ordering cakes from the French bakery. A lot of money was spent on ingredients. A lot. Because CBC likes to cook nice dishes from scratch, find nice food, not just your Iceland frozen bits (which incidently, still add up!). And yet he had no idea who was coming.
Why do we find it so hard to commit to things nowadays? Why can we not decide, "I am going to do this, I want to do it. Come hail or fire, I will be there. "
Even text message. Frequently, I send text messages to friends (and e-mails) asking them if they'd like to come to a concert I am giving. Invariably, I get one or two replies to the myriad messages I have sent and no other response (Incidently, usually in the negative)
Facebook- impersonal medium. It can be easy to feel that because we have been invited by a computer, rather than a telephone call, that there's no need to reply. However, if everyone thought that, then there would be no one at the party. And it is a cheap way to contact your friends. Phoning or posting each one can add up, I understand it is a useful way of contacting.
I don't talk her as someone who is righteous and always replies- the party has made me have a good look at my own conduct in the invitation stakes as I am as guilty as the next person at this. I only say it to gain opinions and provoke thought and discussion. For example, a wonderful singer friend recently sent me a text message asking me to come to a concert she was giving in Hackney. I talked to CBC about it and fully intended to go to it if he was also free. (because Hackney is scary at night and I didn't want to go there alone!) However, I didn't send her a message, JUST in case. Why? Because I was worried that I might feel exhausted and not want to go. Because- well, I wasn't sure? Because, I was too lazy? Because I just didn't get around to it? Well, in retrospect, having analysed my conduct, I feel a shoddy friend.
As it turned out- right up to the last minute, we were planning to go, but CBC didn't get out of work till late so there was no way we could get there in time. I didn't send her a message, because I hadn't said I was going. Again, I should have. It was rude of me, and I should have made the effort to. It would be free, would make her know I had acknowledged it and was thinking of her.
What changed? When did I start forgetting my manners and not replying to invitations? Being scatty and disorganised as I am is no excuse that I want to accept from myself
I will try to ensure that no matter HOW the invitation comes to me, that I will respond to it. Even if I think that I am an afterthought, not important, I will treat it like I am a really integral part of the experience. I won't worry about hurting someone's feeling saying I can't come. Eitther, I must make a decision that yes I am going to come or I will say instantly or as soon as possible, that I am unable to come.
What's your opinion on the 'demise' of the RSVP?
(Post written ages ago, but still relevant, even though forgotten about) CBC's robot party had recently put the thought into my mind, the demise of the RSVP, replying to let someone know you are coming to something.
It drives me mad when people don't reply to things and I always make a point of doing so...where have manners gone?
ReplyDeletexx
We had the same with Eddie's mum's 80th surprise party. Even though he had said RSVP by a certain date, some still hadn't. They could RSVP by text, phone, email, written, etc. Some did reply straight away, but I ended up sending a pm on FB to find out if they were coming. It will be the last party we do as it was so stressful and exhausting. There is so much preparation.
ReplyDeleteIt's a combination of two things.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, thanks to Facebook and the like, most of us now have much wider social circles than we otherwise would. And those social circles often contain 'friends' who we don't actually like very much, and who have interests in things that aren't even remotely interesting to us.
The upshot of this is that when organising events, because it would be rude to snub someone, we tend to invite far more people than normal.
Conversely, it also means that each of us is typically being invited to far more events than previously - including by 'friends' we don't like, or to events we would never, ever, wish to attend.
This brings us to the second factor: rudeness.
Some people are, and always have been, rude. If you're now sending out invitations to more people than you previously would, you're also more likely to be sending them to rude people - hence the behaviour.
However, the second part of it is that a lot of people think that clearly stating "no" is itself rude. So, they'll simply not reply, or they'll grudgingly say "maybe" and then no-show - confident that something will come up (look carefully enough, and something always will).
What they don't realise is that in avoiding the lesser rudeness of a simple "no", they then commit the much greater rudeness of failing to show - especially since the organiser must then guess what food and entertainment to put on, and will therefore have spent money on doing so.
These behaviours simply aren't going to change. It would be nice if they did, and we'd all be better off, but they won't. Sorry.
hiya, good subject!
ReplyDeleteI have so many so called friends who say they are going to come to an event etc and then a day before let me down, half of them don't reply and either turn up or i don't hear off them at all.
I think it is bad manners, sometimes i understand it's easy to forget to check your events or many times i've thought i have replied to a txt only to find that i havent pressed send or it had slipped my mind.
I always try my best to go to everything i am asked to as i would like it returned if i was to ask them however this isnt the case for everyone as lots of people just quite simply can't be bothered.
I always think people have terrile excuses and that if you really want to be somewhere or see some one you will always find a way, if not then you will find an excuse.
I think we have all done it in the past but i definately try my best not to these days
Vanessa
xxx
It is really frustrating when this happens. I think it is particularly rude when it is a 'catered' event with much planning. It started before fb and text messages. We sent out 70 RSVP invites to a party when we were leaving London in 1981- and 3 days before the event I spent an evening phoning round to people who had not bothered to reply. Sadly many of them were church friends, who I had hoped would have been more thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteOur Christmas open house went belly-up because of heavy rain that afternoon, and flooding on one side of the village, so some friends cancelled as they couldn't get through without a long detour.
The upside is that if only 50% turn up, you have food for the following week - altho we did begin to find sausages on sticks, twiglets and canapes a little tiring by Day 3!!
such is life. None of us is innocent. Maybe we shoudl resolve to make this the year of being Less Shoddy Friends??
blessings xx
I think a lot of people are quite rude. Some are just thoughtless. Some (and I think I fall into this category) are forgetful. I tend to assume that because I've thought about something in my head, I've replied to the email/text/invitation and it can take a reminder from the person organising things for me to remember that I actually haven't!
ReplyDeleteAlso a certain amount of it depends on how truthful you can be, depending on who is doing the inviting. Things like "I'm very awkward in social situations so I'm only coming if there's someone else I know there" or "there's a strong possibility I'll need to go straight to bed that evening" are only acceptable replies to certain people who know you very well! Sometimes it's easier to not say anything until closer to the time when you know how you definitely feel.
kezzie, i recently read something about this by someone else in the blog world. ot wasn't until then, that i didn't realize that there was a demise of the RSVP. there must be something to it though, if you aren't the only one noticing. i guess i should be more cognizant. CBC's food looks delicious. i wish i could eat it right now. ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is so annoying! We even had to chase loads of people up for our Wedding evening! It ain't cheap ou need to know who is going! X
ReplyDeleteThis is kinda slightly off-topic, but I've really taken a step-back from my personal Facebook page. I was tired of posting and messaging there, which I KNEW people were reading and viewing but nobody would reply. I thought, why do I bother wasting my time to respond to what others post and they don't care enough to reply to me? I'm kind of going through my own problems right now and after a couple of friends cancelled our annual Christmas meet-up (which to someone like me who rarely gets out the house, it's very important), I've ended all contact. I'm no longer texting/FBing. I need my friends and it feels like they don't need me (which is probably the case because they've all moved on to husbands and children and I haven't), so I log into FB, be nosey then log back out without saying a word! It's childish, but it's what everyone else has been doing for years! I just need to sort through my own stuff by myself I guess and see if they actually care that they haven't heard from me in months.
ReplyDeleteApart from rudeness I think you should have a rant about all the other anti-social things people do. Someone recently had a rant about dog poo on a site i go on - apart from the health issue, it's disgusting allowing dogs to foul the footpaths and not poop-scoop. It's also a fineable now.
ReplyDeleteMy rant is spitting on the footpath, feet on the seats in buses and trains (goodness knows where their feet have been - probably dog poo and TB carrying spit) and finally litter dropping. Their are bins everywhere, yet people drop chip wrappers and take-away cartons. Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh !!!!!!!!!!
Poor CBC! I've had similar experiences and also been guilty of not turning up too, though I do tend to send lengthy and grovelling texts if I can't go to the something.
ReplyDeleteLovely looking food by the way!!
What in interesting post and some really good replies too. I think there's a real reluctance of people to commit to anything until they know more - will there be anyone they know there? Will a more appealing invite come up in the meantime? I'm guilty of that to an extent and also of being forgetful... this post has really made me think about my behaviour though and a promise to make more of an effort to commit (either to saying yes or no) to things in the future x
ReplyDeleteI had something like this happen recently (on New Years Eve... I really should have known better than to try and organize anything, but I was deluged with people saying they would be up for a quiet, non-party). In the end a few people came, but not some of the ones who had pressured me to have the event in the first place! I assumed the problem was that it was NYE, and that people are always looking for something better to come along on that day, but I guess it could be a wider problem.
ReplyDeleteI think we're all guilty of not replying or confirming sometimes, but I really try not to do it too often... and even less since the NYE thing and now reading this! I don't know why people can't just commit to something on a bog standard Friday night... worst comes to worst, you can go to the same pub as you always do/watch TV on Saturday!
Whew, you touched a nerve!