If I'm sad about something, I often start writing a blog post about it but end up not publishing it as I think it sounds like a moan fest.
I moan and stress too much. In the last year, when I've had evening events, such as the Choir of the Year competition, I have ended up feeling anxious and stressed and then moaning to anyone who will listen. Today, we had our first Treasure Island performance and we had a morning dress rehearsal. Cover was supposed to be arranged for our Drama lead but it hadn't been. The person who arranges cover was not in. There ended up being a situation where I ended up running around trying to sort the situation and having to beg and borrow to cover it. Whilst having hyper children in vast quantities ask me questions and then get ready to perform. I was furious as was he. Anyone who was around got my rant. The dress rehearsal performance went well and then I dashed to teach my class. This was fine. Manic lunch then year 2 classes. My lovely year 6 girl asked if she could help and was a Godsend the entire afternoon. She was a great teacher- we taught the lesson together and I think it was a powerful learning experience for her. (We both had to get cross with kids!) She developed a wonderful connection with a boy with emotional SEND. After school, the kids arrived, they were so excited! We went on and the show went well. I found myself getting annoyed by parents crackling sweet bags, one opening a can of drink, getting in the way at the Back or just getting up and standing in places during the performance.
I made some daft mistakes on the piano mainly because I couldn't see over the heads of the parents or got distracted by noises or children.
But it went well and the kids were super happy as were parents. We were so proud of them!
Except, instead of feeling elation over that performance I just feel great sorrow that I moaned all day, that I got annoyed by parents, that I am not buzzing like John, my partner in crime is, but sitting here on the train feeling miserable. Perhaps because I'm tired that it doesn't help. (Stayed up till 1 writing a risk assessment for the show...and answering parental messages!)
So many staff stayed to help out. And that's because they love John. Because he's so good at making friends and asking for help. And I feel sad that perhaps I don't have friends like that because I'm just a negative, demanding stressy moaner.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. But perhaps because I want to feel joy at tomorrow's performance and not feel so blue. Or maybe I want you to hold me to account to be joyful in all things, to not moan, to be positive. I should be smiling and laughing and remembering the 3 pupils that told me I'm their favourite teacher or the pupil that said she wished I were her mum. Or my lovely year 6 who said she loved teaching with me. Or the joy on those 76 faces as they sang their hearts out.
Maybe I'll feel better after some sleep and feel the joy.
Hugs to you.
X
It sounds like you were let down and it caused you to have quite a stressful day, instead of being able to enjoy the performance. I get the impression you have very high expectations of yourself. Looking in from the outside, it seems like you are very positive with regard to your work. I don't know how you do it. Don't be too hard on yourself , you work extremely hard and I'm sure it doesn't go unnoticed and unappreciated.
ReplyDeleteJJU has made some wise comments. Do not be so hard on yourself Kezzie. When we get overtired it is hard to see things clearly. Praying that there will be lots of wonderful comments at school today. 🙏❤️😊
ReplyDeletePrayers for a better day today! I agree with JJU and Ang.
ReplyDeleteAs an ex primary music teacher I'm in awe of your teaching and music making, so skilled. I also remember how exhausting school productions are, and how reliant one is on teamwork. Today is another day...
You are just very tired. Please stop chasing your tail and get some rest so you can enjoy the last days of term.
ReplyDeleteJx
I agree with everything that's been said above. Also, the "moaning" (which probably wasn't as moan-y as you imagine) is a natural response to being let down, in whatever way, and feeling under pressure because of it. If you still feel bad then I suggest you go to those people who you feel you moaned to and apologise - that's what I've done in the past, and generally they haven't actually thought of it as being particularly moany. It made me feel better.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, take a few minutes between school and the next performance, breathe deeply, pause, think about all the good things from the last performance, thank God for them, & for your well-liked pupils. And for the less-well-liked ones. Breathe again... Your students love you. That shows in the numbers who join choir, drumming club and the myriad other things you do for them.
And I'm also sure that staff didn't pull out all the stops just for John. They will also recognise the hard work you put in, and appreciate/like/love you for that, even if they don't say it to your face. I'd've given a lot to have a music teacher in my school! I hated teaching music!!
You are a well-beloved, vibrant, JOYFUL person, Kezzie. Never forget that. xxx Love FD xx
My sister and my daughter-in-law are teachers and couldn't wait for end of term last week. Both burnt out and quite frankly knackered by this time in the year. Ease up on yourself. Hols are just around the corner for you.x
ReplyDeleteI think we often feel let down after something that we've been greatly anticipating finally concludes. Don't be hard on yourself. I think everyone needs the opportunity to vent at times and I figure this is a pretty safe place for you to do it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the above! Looking from afar, I don’t know how you do it all (not just this day, but others as well). Having to scramble to cover someone else on top of your full responsibilities IS tough! I hope you can celebrate the great job that you did. Olivia from the PNW.
ReplyDeleteYou must be shattered with it being near the end of term too. None of us is perfect and we're all allowed a grumble now and again. You always come across as so kindxx Arilx
ReplyDeleteMy mind boggles at the number of plates you keep spinning, and I'm not surprised that you're feeling knackered and are prone to moaning. And surely, venting your frustrations now and then is a lot healthier than bottling them up.
ReplyDeleteI'm always here if you're in need of a rant. Sending lots of love and hugs, my friend xxx
Sending hugs to you Kezzie as you care deeply about your role as a music teacher and you want the best for all your pupils. Your year six helper sounds like a real star 🩷 and you didn’t come across as moaning, but gosh the whole thing sounded super stressful xxx
ReplyDeleteKezzie, I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and you are a such a hardworking, passionate teacher who really cares about their students! We desperately need more teachers like you! Please don’t worry about the moaning - it’s good to let it out. It sounds like you were put in a very stressful situation that you managed to handle and ensure the children had a wonderful performance!!!
ReplyDeleteI think that you over extend yourself and maybe expect too much of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. We all have a biorythm of days when we are more energetic and cognitive, at our peak of performance and then the low days of when we are more prone to make mistake and have accidents, or being down.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are loved by your students.
I leave you with a big HUG.
Julia
You sound very tired (as others have noted). Fatigue colors our reaction to things. Get rest and feel better.
ReplyDeleteI like your personality... in fact I'd say it reminds me of Pollyanna!
I think you sound exhausted rather than moany. I hope you can relax over the summer holidays. You're such a great teacher and always seem to go above and beyond for your pupils so no wonder you were feeling overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself. It's normal to feel tired. Sometimes we need to moan a little, too! Don't worry about it too much. As long as we don't make moaning a habit, we'll be ok.
ReplyDelete