8th anniversary

Here is some music to play whilst you read this post. Please hit play and proceed.

Today is mine and CBC's 8th anniversary! Confession- we almost forgot! He did, I remembered last night when I was working out what date it was for something!  Please make me feel better about the fact we almost forgot by telling me that you also forget!  In our defence, we are in limbo on school holiday for 6 weeks and unless it's a school day, I have no clue what date it is! AND, we have just been on holiday in Cornwall for a week!

Here are two pictures from the day.  CBC is none too happy about having overt pictures of him on here these days so here are two selected from our wedding 8 years ago where he's not too obvious.

This is the moment of our vows.  If I look teary, it's because I unexpectedly howled whilst singing Love Divine- tip-do not sing too heartily or loud on your wedding day or weird things happen, especially if you are someone who is affected by music!

And here's a view of the church via the flowers.

The prayers

I thought I'd write 10 things I love about CBC here as a tribute to him (he won't read it- never bothers with my blog now). I want to wring his neck several times a week/month and I know the feeling is mutual, but I love him dearly.

10 things I love about him:

1. He is the most imaginative person I know.  He has a way at looking things and describing things so very aptly to astonish you with his imagery and descriptive skills.

2.  He stops being grumpy after we've argued and is able to be nice again very quickly.

3.  Very, very unfussy in terms of eating.  The most unfussy man in all our family who any of us have married (except my Dad who is a dustbin).  Absolutely loves vegetables and is willing to eat 7 times of veg in one meal.

4.  Always manages to look after me when I am freaking out about something, e.g. at the top of a mountain and I feel like I am going to die if I take one step forward.

5.  He is so musical and entertains me all the time with his music making at home on the piano.

6.  He gave me the gift of a home from home. I love Northumberland and it is an inherent part of me now that I yearn for it and long to return to it when I am not there and feel like I am coming home when we go there.  He values how our relationship brought him closer with his Dad in his final years and how much his Dad loved me and him and how that relationship changed.

7. He is super creative and fun and always manages to help me to explore new places.

8.  He puts up with my environmental quirks and wishes and has adapted in many ways to fulfil that. He puts up with me having lots of things (even if he moans about it a lot!) 

9.  He is a gentleman- he is charming and is always really nice to people we meet.

10. He's super CUTE!

There's many more things but there are some to start with!

Hope you are well.

xxx

P.S. If you are wondering about the music- it is by Gyorgy Ligeti and comes from his Five Bagatelles for Wind Quintet and is what I came down the aisle to!

P.P.S:

In case you are new to this blog and didn't ever see my wedding posts- here they are:

The night before

The early morning

Part 1: Prep

Part 2: Onto the Church

Part 3: Onto the Mansion

Valentines cards 2021

 This year, for Valentines, I suggested to CBC that it would be fun for us to make cards for each other one evening. He agreed and so on the Saturday night of the 13th February, I set up the dining table in the dining room (grand term for a very tiny room full of my clutter) with a whole selection of crafting materials: papers and cards of plain and patterned varieties, odds and ended salvaged from packaging, crafting hole punches in various shapes, PVA glue, bits and pieces galore.

Neither of us had an idea but both of us started with an identical white base card:

I decided to start with using a Martha Stewart edging punch with a pretty interlocking rings cut out.  I am really chuffed to have this as I admired this very same punch in my Stepmum's craft collection years ago and asked if she could get me one for my birthday that same year.  She tried but that design was not available anymore so got me a different one (also very nice).  Last year, a friend of my mum's got rid of some craft stuff and passed it onto me and lo and behold, here was the very same punch in the box of stuff! It was a £30 punch so I am very grateful!

Once I'd done this, I spied a bird punch I've had for years.  CBC has become obsessed with the birds in the garden this year, he gets up and stares at them out of the window and has bought all sorts of feeders and food, constantly competing with the neighbours. I decided I would make him a bird Valentines card based on the birds in our garden/.

I started by punching some Mister lack birds out of card.  I decided to draw and colour some features on them so added a yellow beak and white eye with my watercolour pencils. I then punched some brown birds from some brown paper and decided those were Missus Blackbirds.  To add the features, I got a load of browns, peaches, whites and yellow pencils and added some details to her body.  Then an orangey beach and a shiny beady eye (with gel pens).   I decided that Missus Blackbird could double up as a sparrow (which we get lots of).  I tried arranging them in various ways and decided on a column of pairs of birds (with love hearts to give a tentative Valentines theme).  At this point, I realised that CBC's favourite birds are the Blue tits which he's trying to lure from next door's garden so I embellished a pair of white punched birds.

It felt a bit sparse putting them straight onto the white so I added a strip of turquoise (to represent a sunny sky) from an old envelope and embellished the join with gel pen dots.

Once I've drawn the love hearts on and painstakingly afixed the birds (with a cotton bud and PVA), I decided to add a message using my leaf punch.

Inside, I used the spare pair of Blackbirds (usurped by Blue tits) to add the central greeting in the card.

My card used sparing materials- just a bit of brown card, black card and turquoise envelope plus pens.

I am a card minimalist.  

CBC is a card maximallist and used ALLLLLLL the materials but I have to say, his card was an imaginative triumph!

The card had a single red heart on the outside... but the inside was an idyllic scene with a lonely squirrel.  The squirrel came from some granola packaging that I had squirreled away to use on a card some time (see what I did there??!)  The 'joke' about Kezzie clutter- our long standing disagreement about me having too much stuff!

He even decorated the envelope.

As well as the squirrel landscape, I had a patterned envelope- 

The 1st stripy envelope was supposed to represent a musical stave and a flute (there are dangling silver notes from the stave of 3 lines rather than 5 but he was fed up with sewing!)

Inside that envelope was a white and blue swirly envelope with a pretty dress inside plus another small spotty envelope with a single squirrel holding a heart.

And there was a pocket in the grass, ready to put the little squirrel in!

It was such a sweet and imaginative card!  He really does have a great gift for something unusual.

It was a great way to spend some hours (about 4!) on a Saturday night and the table is still strewn, ready to make some other cards at some point!

What do you think?

Peace which passes understanding.

Are you feeling anxious at the moment?  I wasn't really feeling anxious, as I tend to ignore the news at most times but it reached Friday and I couldn't escape from it anymore. EVERYONE, wherever I was, was talking about the virus.  Teachers, TAs, children, parents, friends, restaurant owners.  I started to feel the fear.  One of the reasons I avoid the news is, as I have realised in recent times, I am a natural worrier when I am left alone to my own devices.  If I am worried about something, it fills my mind, will not go away, no matter what. 

I haven't been to church for a few weeks.  Actually, since the 16th February for various reasons. 
When I went to today, though the focus was on the commandment, "Do not murder,", the anxiety I was starting to feel was really helped as we prayed for our nation, as we talked about trusting in God, as we considered that we may think we are in control but we are so much more fragile than we think and that actually in difficult times, we must depend on God.  We sang 'The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want' which I hadn't sung at this church since I've been there and indeed I haven't thought about that song for a while.  But, it is a song I sing and say to myself whenever I'm scared- when walking on high peaks where I am terrified of falling, where I don't know what to do and am worried.  It has always been a comfort.  I felt that peace, which passes understanding, come over me and I knew that this terrible time is a time to show love, to show care if I can, to trust in God, to help people.  I gain nothing through stressing. I gain nothing from worrying.

I came home from church, after chatting to a friend, Darren, who moved to our town a year ago, I walked home with my neighbour, Marianne, and I rejoice in the beauty of the sky, the beauty of the Spring flowers and relished the freedom I felt. We went over to my Mum's and shared lunch with her and walked in a beautiful country park near her and I felt better.  Nothing, but perhaps prayer, prayer, prayer, can change what is going on, but I felt a peace.

It may not last once I am in contact with colleagues again but briefly, it was good.  'The Peace which passes understanding be upon your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'- I felt that peace.

This is my pause for Lent with Ang et al.

xx

A Pause for Advent 2019 #3

I've mentioned on numerous occasions that I created a tradition at my school of writing a song for Christmas for my KS2 Christmas performance. Over the last decade, I have created songs for the various parts of the nativity.  It's one of my absolute favourite Christmas traditions and I'm always really excited to do it.   It is an act of worship, writing a song for parts of this story which is so important to my faith, an act of giving and love to my children; to write a song especially for them and an act of creativity; to continue to use my skills as a composer and an act of fun- I love composing!  I would not say that these are great songs-they are very much aimed at my audience- the children and their parents but I hope that they are a different way of approaching each aspect of the Christmas story and you find something you enjoy in it or it speaks to you in some way. It's also become A Pause for Advent tradition that I share my song for one of the posts.  I'm not sharing it for praise (or indeed censure- though you are welcome to your opinions) but that the act of writing is a pause to think about a particular aspect of birth of Jesus and to use the gifts, skills or interests, whichever way you wish to look at it, to offer back.

This time last year, I heard a song called Mary did you know? which was used for the dancers for our Advent carol service at my old church.  This year we actually sang it for the carol service.  I remember thinking, "I like this song- I haven't written a song about Mary for my nativity, I will do that next year."  I even started writing some basic sketches for it in the Summer holidays this year, working out the first bit, the end and the basic accompaniment for the first bit. I recorded some of these improvisations and used these to begin typing up the notation for it into Sibelius, the music software I use.  But then I got stuck on the middle bit and abandoned it.

It came to October and I knew I had to get the song finished as I needed to be teaching it the first week back to my choir (this year, my song was a choir solo rather than the whole key stage.).
It was strange because I'd been stuck on the middle section but when I looked at the direct words from Luke's gospel, all of a sudden, I became unstuck and able to work it out.  Divine inspiration for sure!

My children learnt it really quickly and they really do sing out when singing it.
The last bit is sung as a solo by one child but alas, this recording was from when I hadn't chosen the soloist so it is all of them.
You can hear me singing it first and then you will hear my children singing it in the 2nd week of their learning it. They sing it much better now, 7 weeks on but I haven't had a chance to record them again.

Mary, you are chosen,

Mary, highly favoured,

Mary, you're the one.

Mary, be not afraid,

Mary, God with you,

Mary, chosen one.

You will be with child and give birth

To a son and name him Jesus

The son of the most high.

The Lord God will give him the throne of his father, David.

And he will reign, his kingdom ever more.

Mary, the holy spirit will come upon you.

Nothing is impossible with God upon your side.

Oooh,

Oooh,

I am the Lord's servant, let it be to me as you have said.

(Words by chosen and adapted by me based on Luke's gospel. 

Melody and accompaniment by me.

Voices: Me and my children after.)

The words of this song are saying to me right now- Trust.  Trust that there is something better, that the bleakness of the past few days aren't the end, they can't be. That God is with us even at the hardest times and he calls our name and it's our choice whether we choose to hear or not. I trust, hope and pray for something better than this earthly existence.

This is my 3rd pause for Advent with Ang and co.

If you want to hear some of my songs from a few previous years (and don't feel obliged!), you can click these links to the posts:
The innkeepers rant
Feel the Christmas beat
Join in our story
Ring out the bells

Shepherds Swing

Love is all you need at Christmas time

6 years!

This time today, six years ago, also on a Friday, CBC and I were married and the wedding reception was ending!  We had had a frantic hour of clearing up items and were finally leaving!

So it is our anniversary! As usual, we sort of forgot and haven't really done anything but we had a nice time today with a friend in London and ate left-over Butternut squash risotto!

Here's some photos from our wedding to remember!

Even though you aren't reading it, I love you CBC!x













And here we are on our first anniversary!

A Pause for Advent 2018 #4 My annual song- Love is all you need.

It has been a tradition on this blog for the past few years to share, on this, the 4th Pause for Advent, the song I have composed for my children to sing at our Christmas service/performance at school each year.  For me, it has become a tradition to do this- the ultimate aim being to have a complete nativity with songs to accompany each part of the story.  It is an act of worship, writing a song for parts of this story which is so important to my faith, an act of giving and love to my children; to write a song especially for them and an act of creativity; to continue to use my skills as a composer and an act of fun- I love composing!  I would not say that these are great songs-they are very much aimed at my audience- the children and their parents but I hope that they are a different way of approaching each aspect of the Christmas story and you find something you enjoy in it or it speaks to you in some way.

Last year's song was a joyous song, Ring out the Bells.  This year, I wanted an alternative for the song, Christmas is a time to love, which we sing almost every year at the end of our performance.  I wanted a more reflective song which reminds us of the true message of Christmas which is love.  I also wanted to look ahead to Easter as Christmas and Easter are connected.  Plus, since it was 100 years since the end of WW1 this year, I wanted to make a link to the sacrifice of the lives of many people within the song/service too. We also sang Silent Night just before this in the performance and the reader who followed it talked about the Armistice at Christmas in his talk.

Love is all you need,
Is all you need at Christmas time.
Love is what it's all about.
It leads to peace and joy.

Love is what the baby brought,
Put aside your feuds and petty thoughts.
Kindness is what we need to share,
To show our love and also show we care.

Love is all you need,
Is all you need at Christmas time.
Love is what it's all about.
It leads to peace and joy.

No greater love had man that this.
That he lay aside his life for friends.
And love each other as he loved,
The love that's freely given, the love that never ends.

Love is all you need,
Is all you need at Christmas time.
Love is what it's all about.
It leads to peace and joy.

It leads to peace and joy.
It leads to peace and joy.

I hope you enjoy it and  if anyone would like a PDF of the music, just let me know, I would be happy to share it.  I want to wish you all a very blessed, peaceful and merry Christmas if I don't do so again.

If you want to hear some of my songs from a few previous years (and don't feel obliged!), you can click these links to the posts:
The innkeepers rant
Feel the Christmas beat
Join in our story
Ring out the bells
Shepherds Swing

A pause for Advent 2018 #3: Imperfection

Christmas can be a time of strong emotions: euphoria, hopefulness, joy, excitement but also disappointment, anxiety, depression, loneliness and sadness, depending on circumstances. It can be particularly hard if dealing with bereavement, conflict or just being in a really lonely place. It is a time which urges us to "Keep up with the Jones'" and all those 'perfect' adverts, pictures, films and stories which can make us feel woefully inadequate.  Why is our Christmas experience not as perfect as anyone else's?  Why is everyone else having more fun, more presents, more invites, more laughs, more friends, more decorations or food?  We are just not perfect enough?

But the original Christmas was far from perfect!
It was hardly perfect that Governor Quirinius called for everyone to travel to their hometown at the height of Mary's pregnancy. Definitely not perfect that the toils and tribulations of that arduous journey meant that Mary and Joseph arrived so late in Bethlehem that they had to slog around all those inns and fail to find adequate accommodation. It wasn't great that Mary had to give birth in a stable without any support or suitable resources for a baby.  It was a disaster that the wise men got lost nad ended up in the worst place possible- the palace of the mad despot, King Herod, who definitely didn't need to know about Jesus- that secured the death of many infants later on.  It wasn't ideal that the shepherds had the life frightened out of them by the appearance of angels in the sky.  It wasn't perfect that instead of returning home to a stable homelife, that Mary, Joseph and Jesus had to flee as refugees to seek sanctuary in Egypt to avoid the consequence of the wise men's less than perfect navigational skills.
But despite all this, Jesus still came, grew up, died and offered freedom to all those who believe in him.  The crucifixion and the way Jesus died semed far from perfect to those who trusted and believe in him. This wasn't what the Messiah was supposed to do.  He was supposed to save them, free them from the tyranny of the Roman empire, to bring freedom and the gift of life. The cross seemed a complete mess-up; incomprehensible and pointless. 
But to a heart full of faith and belief, we are not called to be perfect but just to be ourselves and to know Jesus, just as we are.
For me this week, this means:
I am imperfect but I am loved.
I am grumpy and cantankerous at times, but loved.
I am exhausted but loved.
I am disappointed and disheartened in aspects of life but I am loved.
I am concerned about the future of this country and world, I am frightened of what we are doing to our Earth, but I am loved.
I have made countless mistakes (including having tantrum on a train platform after missing a train) but I am loved.
Avoid the trappings of the perfect Christmas; the need to impress or be the centre of attention and be there at the manger, surrounded by Love; knowledge of who you are and be imperfect.

This Pause was inspired by the welcome message by the Archbishops of Canterbury and York in the #FollowtheStar advent study.

A simple Father's Day card idea

It seems an age since I made any cards or shared a crafty post on here.  Despite having all my craft materials in one place (most of it has been sitting in my friend Nath's garage for 2 years), I have somehow failed to make many cards.

I thought I'd share a simple idea I made for my Dad's Father's day card.

It took me about 10 minutes to make.

There are some versatile materials that you need for a simple card. Patterned papers are a brilliant one because you can use them in a myriad ways and they look good instantly. 

Alphabet stickers and outline stickers are also incredibly useful.

This sheet of 'family' paper came in a pad that had 50 sheets of 15cm by 15cm papers and was very inexpensive.  I thought it was very cheerful!  

it was a simple matter of cutting it to size on my guillotine and then attaching with pritt stick and then going over the join with outline stickers and adding these flocked letters.

Little cost, little time, but hopefully still showing an effort.

And here was my Dad on his birthday which frequently coincides with father's day.
It was delightful that we were able to join him on his birthday for the day. We had a lovely barbecue and I had my first experience of cooking on a one as he was struggling with juggling two barbecues.
Joyfully, I also spent last weekend with him and my Stepmum and sister as CBC was away in the Southdowns with school so I travelled there after a Friday night concert with Flautista and stayed till Sunday.

Made any cards recently?  Do you get to spend much time with with your Dad?

xx

From the archives: And they call it Bunny love.

I know some people are ashamed of or embarrassed  by their early days of blogging but I always love looking back at my old blog posts in a nostalgic way- I remember being that person at that time, the feelings, the emotions, the moments and like to think about those times.
I was looking back through this blog post from 2009 entitled And they call it Bunny love.  It was a really short post with 17 words and 2 photos including the one below.

So little content but secretly embued with so much hidden emotion and feelings.

Alice and I

The photo was taken by CBC before we had got together and become a couple.  We didn't know each other that well.  We'd met for a concert and rehearsal in May and then met for another rehearsal and a concert in late July.  I thought he was rather lovely but it was rare in my life that someone so lovely that I actually liked would be interested in me and my way of dealing with feelings of attraction was to be awkward and shy and pretend I didn't like the person in case they didn't like me back and didn't like the feeling of being liked nonreciprocating.

After the July concert, CBC had suggested going to the pub with our friend A but A wanted to go home. We agreed to go round to A's house to play music together 3 days later. A is the bunny queen and had a new lovely white rabbit called Alice who I wanted to meet. CBC and I had to exchange numbers because he would give me a lift from the station to A's house.

We had a lovely time playing music and eating some lunch. I was cuddling Alice and CBC asked if he could take a photo.  He took this one and then sent it to me via text later in the day.

When I look at that photo, I think of that feeling of really liking him a lot and the joy of having an excuse to send a text message and receive a reply. CBC showed the picture to his housemates apparently and I was referred to thereafter as 'Bunny Girl' by them! 

This photo makes me think of the early days of love, the uncertainty of feelings, shyness and those delightful moments of communication, dreaming of what ifs and I wish and eventually, when it transpired that he did like me back, the feeling of utter joy and bewilderment. Why did he like me back?

Even a short post, one with few words, few photos, very little shared can have a hidden depth and meaning.

Do you have any blog posts from your early days that you have looked back on with affection like this?

xx

Wise old Man of the Mountain- a farewell.

I wanted to say thank you SO MUCH for all of you that left such kind comments regarding the death of my Father-in-Law.  His funeral is to take place on the 22^nd of January in Hexham.  As I sit and write this on Sunday 14^th January, his brother is trying to write his obituary for the local paper and CBC has written the eulogy for the funeral.  I wanted to so much to share my love for him and key memories connected to him. Please don’t feel compelled to read this but it is something I really wanted to write.

WOMOTM stood for Wise Old Man Of The Mountain. This became his blog pseudonym because I am reluctant to share names of family members- the reason for this name will become apparent. I remember when I first met him he seemed to me, to be such a sweet, kind man. He would not necessarily come across that way in all situations as he could be quite brusque and not the most talkative, but if you got to know him, he was such a kind, gentle soul. I always think of him as being fiercely loyal and fond of his family.  He loved everyone coming up to see him.  He was extremely generous yet always careful with money which is a stance to finances I respect greatly. 

I remember back in February 2010 when CBC took me to Northumberland, when I said goodbye to him and he gave me a big hug (bear hugs only when you arrived and left- he wasn’t one for affectionate hugs every day), I knew that I loved him and wanted to be part of his family.  It was bitterly cold that year and I lived then, in my childhood home which had no central heating.  But in Northumberland, the bed came with an electric blanket. It was a revelation! I had never experienced such luxurious warmth at bed time! I remember the Christmas or was it that Birthday,  that they bought me an electric blanket for home and winter freezing was no longer an issue.  Last year, he sent us an electric duvet as a Christmas present to keep us warm as he thought that was much better than the blankets!

He always said he liked it when I came up there because I helped him with the washing-up.  I often tried to get there before him to avoid him being chained to the washing up sink.  CBC used to laugh and say that his dad used to hum the tune form the ‘Slaves Chorus’ as he did the washing up in previous years. This always made me giggle. He was meticulous about cleaning and the housework and could be a tyrant over his routines. Many a time, I came towards the kitchen and didn’t dare enter as the mop stood like a rigid sentry to stop any entry as the floor was mopped clean! We used to laugh at it because it was such a clear signal.

DO NOT ENTER THE KITCHEN

Maybe mocking the mop!

Any memory of going to Northumberland is always integrally linked with the excitement of seeing him. He’d always send emails saying how much he was looking forward to us coming up.  And I remember the excitement at arriving at his warm house in Haltwhistle- the sofas with the Latin writing on, the enormous Apple screen, the photos to see, the enormous shower with its squeegee, the poetry book which sat on the shelf in the toilet which I would sit and read when in there- how I learnt to recite Jabberwocky and Daffodils whenever I was up there. He used to smile when I came down to recite what I had learnt but was also able to correct me and/or complete it if I failed. He was greatly fond of poetry and had memorised a great deal.  

 

At our wedding with a friend. Wearing J's, not pictured, hat.

One thing I loved was his willingness to always stop and smile for a photo. Most of CBC’s family always groan and hide when I try to take a picture but he always put on his friendliest smile for me. As I write this, I am gutted that I recently lost my portable hard-drive which was from my old lap top which houses all my photos from the past- it has many happy photos of our times with him. I was sad because I wanted to share this hilarious photo from CBC’s sister’s wedding in which he wore his wife’s bright pink hat, but look, I found one from our wedding where he wore her purple one! 

Hindscarth 2011

Photography was a great love of his- apparently he founded the Photography society at the school he worked at in Hexham for 29 years. Most of my memories of walks with him and any occasions involve his enormous SLR camera attached to his Berghaus rucksack- he let me have his Berghaus rucksack last Summer which I shall cherish.  He always generously allowed me to use his photos on my Blog posts and told me that I didn’t have to acknowledge them as his.  So many beautiful photos were taken and shared. He would upload his photos at the end of a day and would take great pleasure in editing them in Photoshop, lightening any shadows and sharpening images and I would await the great sharing of these with bated breath! For our wedding, he printed out and made some lovely collages of photos of CBC and I and.

Ridley Hall 2013

And how could I forget the infamous Wedding Invitation photoshoot. We went with him to the grounds of Ridley Hall in Northumberland to take photos and had great fun taking photos until the three of us were asked to leave the grounds as apparently it was now private property with kids on site!

In addition, he was the great benefactor to this blog of not one, but two tripods! He knew I wanted to take outfit photos and gave me his spare which I used until I misplaced it and then he gave me his good one! I use them to this day!  His other great contribution to this blog was also the Pink Canon Ixus Camera which was a 31^st Birthday present. This marvellous camera has taken thousands upon thousands of photos for this blog and has lived in my handbag for 6 years, taking photos on a daily basis. He was always really pleased when he mentioned this camera saying with a smile, that I had really made good use of it.

Hindscarth 2011

My latter-life love of walking is down to CBC and him.  Every time we came up to Northumberland in the early years of mine and CBC’s relationship, he would plan a walk in the Lake District for us. He always said he liked walking with me as I walked at his pace (CBC and his brother were mountain goats who would speed on ahead.). He always loved planning where we would go next.  The first walk was in July of 2010- he chose Catbells as my inaugural peak walk and the three of us walked on Catbells in perfect weather. It was a wonderful walk and many breath-taking views were seen.  Other walks followed- Robinson and Hindscarth, Castle Cragg and my personal favourite- Rannadale Knotts.  Following his heart-attack on Summer when we were there, he found it harder to climb and this was a good walk with a burst of short uphill and then glorious ridges and downhills. We repeated this walk in glorious weather which we planned in advance as it was such a pleasant journey.  One other glorious walk I remember taking was in December 2014- we walked from Steel Rigg to Halsteads along Hadrian’s Wall.  The weather was utterly stunning- we were bathed in golden light as we reached our conclusion and he, CBC’s brother and I were so utterly delighted by this experience.

Sycamore Gap. Christmas 2014

WOMOTM by Cawlfields

The end of the walk at Halsteads when all was golden.

It was around 3 years ago that he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis and it restricted his ability to walk more- we had fewer walks as time went on but I do remember possibly the last happy walk we had in October 2016.  He had said that his walking days were over as he just struggled so much to walk but we managed to persuade him to take a short walk around Haltwhistle. I kept stopping, ostensibly to take photos but in reality in order to allow him to catch up and not feel he was holding us up and it worked- he had felt gloomy before that and after that walk, which was a real halcyon day in the autumnal gloom- he was pleased with himself for having managed to have a walk and not feel he was holding us up. I remember the delight I felt then as I had felt really bad about how gloomy he had been before that.

Haltwhistle

Two other walks or moments stand out in my mind- one was when we walked to the Prisoner of War camp near Haltwhistle.  We got caught in absolute torrential rain on the way back and since he and CBC are fairweather walkers, they were both game not to get annoyed with me for having pestered them for a walk.  As we had walked, he told me a personal story connected to that PoW camp which he had never shared with the family and they were astonished to hear it.   The other was when we took a family holiday to Sarlat in France in July 2016, before CBC went off to Costa Rica for a month. He had not had a holiday in years and he was so grateful, effusive and thankful over it and I remember him planning that we would go to Avion the next year, alas unfulfilled.   We went to this Chateau and he couldn’t hear the words very well, so the pair of us sneaked off and walked in the grounds and found a Bamboo maze to walk in!

 

Hiding from the heat in the Bamboo maze

I can see you! Me in the moat- WOMOTM on the bridge!

He was a retired Maths teacher and taught me about Binary numbers- I remember the Christmas we had the epic Christmas quiz- there was a Maths round that was very hard! I remember his making some 3D shapes out of straws and then subsequently I bought him some metre-long straws in order to allow him to make something like the Great Stellated Dodecadodecahedron!  He had this amazing book which had all these complicated shapes I had never heard of!

His mechanical calculator!

He was a good and kind man who always made me feel welcome, maintained a kind interest in my interests- be those blogging- he was a silent reader of this page; Doctor Who (he used to record it for me when we didn’t have a TV; card-making, and books I read- I remember his saying we could watch The Hunger Games when we went up there as I had recently read them. Whilst it was harder to spend time with him in recent times, since he was ill, he was not very sociable and found it hard to cope with company, he was always humble and never wanted to cause anyone any bother.   Writing this and looking for photos, I have shed many tears and I feel so sad at the years we will not get to spend with him- despite his illness, despite the fact he was receiving Palliative care, he was such a determined guy, that I really did not see him dying when he did- I imagined us going back up there in February half term and watching Blade Runner which we had pre-ordered for him for Christmas.

I am gutted and sad that this horrid lung-disease robbed him of many more years- we all imagined him going strongly into his 90’s since he was walking fells aged 80.  I don’t know how I shall feel going up to Northumberland without him. He was who and what I immediately thought of whenever I knew we were going up there. I regret that we did not go up there often- usually around 4-6 times a year and although he was not a man who talked about feelings and things like that, I wish I had told him how much I grew to love him and was grateful so much for his friendship and kindness.  WOMOTM, know this from the very centre of my heart, that I am so, so glad I knew you and I will miss you greatly.

A Pause for Advent: Christmas is a time for love

When I first was offered the role of music teacher 9 years ago, a lovely friend from my music camp invited me over to her house in rural Ipswich to talk about how I would take on the role and Christmas song ideas and teaching ideas.   We talked through songs for the nativity play and she gave me her copies of some songs that we thought would work- she's now retired.  Two of the songs she gave me are staples that always feature regularly.  One, Census Rock is one that the children always get excited to sing. The other is a very simple song called, Christmas is a time to love.

It is a very simple song with simple lyrics but I think, as I said last week, simplicity is a good thing.
In this case, the message is simple

Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time,
Christmas is a time to love.
Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time,
Christmas is a time to love.

We often start to worry and people get upset,
When things don't go alright on Christmas Day.
What we should remember in all the push and shove,
Is Christmas is a time to love.

Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time,
Christmas is a time to love.
Christmas is a time, Christmas is a time,
Christmas is a time to love.


As I looked for this video, I noticed that there is a second verse that wasn't on my copy.
I really like this verse too.

Maybe things don't sound right or look the way they should
And maybe they're not perfectly in tune
It really doesn't matter, let's keep our eyes above
'Cos Christmas is a time to love.



This is my Pause for Advent with Ang and co!

Remembering a Mad Cat Lady

Today was the funeral of that dear family friend that I've talked of periodically on here over the last few years.  She was the most wonderful, eccentric, eclectic person I knew.

It is hard to believe that she is no longer with us on this mortal Earth.  I have never known life without her and she will be sorely missed.

Today, at the funeral, when Kate, the vicar, talked of how she touched the lives around her, it struck me more than with any other person I have known, how true this was. How she did so much for people and made their life a better place.  Up to her final year, she was involved in the choir and flowers for the church, taught singing and dancing at a dance school, acted in plays, did props for plays, made costumes and wedding dresses, knitted, crocheted and made jams and preserves for the church fairs, read books galore, was a worker for the local voluntary care unit.

I think back upon my childhood memories of her and I see Norma, that was her name, in the choir vestry during Friday evening choir practice. In mind, she is wearing her pigskin coat which was a sort of pale green colour. I used to snuggle up to her arm and delight in the soft feel of her coat.  I remember my Mum and her singing the tenor and bass solos for Stainer's choral work, The Crucifixion, when there weren't always men willing to sing those parts and at times, cheekily informing Auntie Norma that she was singing flat whilst my own Mummy was singing sharp.

Christmases held an annual event that was an crucial element to every Christmas. A week or so before Christmas, Norma would always come round to us for our own Christmas together.  Mum would prepare a Turkey Christmas dinner or perhaps Roast beef with all the trimmings, crackers included, and then we would share our Christmas presents to each other.  Some years, we would go to Norma's house.   I am not a fan of Christmas pudding and my Mum used to buy me profiteroles. But the first year we went to Norma's house for our Christmas get-together, she said she would make me dessert.  When it came to dessert, out she came with this individual apple pie for me. Out of minute, perfect-sized pastry letters, she had written my name Kerenza in concentric circles. My name in pastry 15 times.  It was so beautiful and so thoughtful, I was touched. That she'd made that effort for me.

Another thoughtful thing she did was inviting me to help her make her cats' Christmas dinner on Christmas eve.  I can't remember how old I was, but I don't know if she was looking after me to give Mum a break or that my sister was doing something or that she was just being nice but she invited m to come round.  We cooked turkey mince and then I had to use her old fashioned green-metal mincer to mince breadcrumbs to put in it.  Spaghetti had to be broken into tiny pieces and added in.  Gravy included and then this feast was to feed her cats on Christmas day.  She was so thoughtful. Anyone else might have given them a tin of Sheba but she did this specially.  After this, we made dinner for us.  Fish fingers, baked beans and then mashed potato which we mashed ourselves- this was my first experience of that. I loved that time and relished going back another year to do the same.

Every piano exam I ever took was preceded by hours of practice at her house since she had a piano and we only had a keyboard. I always recall her telling me how when she did her Grade 8 piano, she was asked to play a C minor scale by the examiner who was then amazed how she had managed to play the melodic scale in her left hand and the harmonic scale in her right hand simultaneously and she didn't notice she'd done it!

So many happy occasions going round to play with her cats.  Playing her old piano and marvelling that she didn't have a TV, only a little old black and white model.  Helping her clean and tidy when Mum's Icelandic penpals were coming to stay at Norma's because we had no room.

Asking her to do the third reading at my wedding. Her and the two Mums. It was very fitting.

The midnight Dalek dress.

The time I asked her to help teach me to use her sewing machine and making my Mum a beautiful denim wrap around skirt.  The hours she spent with me patiently not wringing my neck as I got to grips with the overlocker.  Remembering when she helped me make my Dalek dress and how patient she was when I was still there at midnight, trying to unpick the poppers I'd sewn on back to front.

I own things that will remain with me always that she made- my crochet blanket, my Doctor Who scarf, my red duffle cardigan, my Doctor Who Romana-inspired black concert dress.

My 10 foot scarf!

When we left our first church and went to another one, Norma came with us and sang in that choir.

What most people remember about her was just how funny she was. Oh the stories she would tell from her school days of swimming to the delights of her stories from her work at the BBC in the Sound Archives department, being at her 'Lady from the BBC talks', tales of what her cats did including the famous Lennie the Loathsome who I loved so much, the cat who ate all the chocolate off the Malteasers, Emma who used to press mice under the carpet.

Her love of books. She truly was a voracious reader who might read 40 books a month or more. She was the one who introduced me to Terry Pratchett.  I remember phoning her sometime last November and her telling me about her sadness of reading his final book, Shepherd's Crown. I remember it vividly as I was walking through the beautiful park near my old home.  Her telling me about interesting books and my marvelling at her knowledge.

I regret that in the last few years, when I had moved away, I did not see her so much. I regret that much but I am so grateful that her diagnosis in March of having 2 weeks to live extended to October and I was able to see her.   She was someone who truly lived life and enjoyed it.

I truly loved this lady and as I said goodbye to her for the last time two Thursdays ago, late at night as she lay unconscious, close to death, I muttered, I love you to her, feeling embarrassed as I said it front of the other three visitors but wanting to tell her I loved her and I was so grateful for her presence in my life, for always being there.  Wishing above all, that I had asked for 5 minutes with her to say it, the way I did with my Grandfather. Curse my inability to speak about my feelings in front of others.

Don't be sad I'm gone, be glad I lived. Oh how true that is. I will be sad that I cannot laugh and ask her stories. I wish I could have asked her to tell me her stories in the last few months so I could laugh over them. However, she will always remain a part of my heart and I mean that most truly.  When I heard the readings today, how true and fitting they were.
Isaiah 40, 28, read so beautifully by my Mum today, stated:

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

I take comfort in this. Truly, Norma gained her wings.

Norma, thank you for being in my life. I am so glad you are with God, for I am certain and glad that you are in his presence.

xxx

Don't take care, take risks

Today, I had to get up at 7.30am in order to be at church for band practice!  Man, that was early! Luckily, CBC had to help WKWTTG move house so also got up!

We had a special guest today, Canon Andrew White, who is vicar in Baghdad at St George's Anglican church.  He talked during the sermon time. His talk wasn't really a sermon, it was more telling us about life in the middle East.

He has faced persecution on a daily basis for most of his career in Baghdad. Most of the time if people wanted to persecute him in the past, he would invite them to dinner and often they would turn out not to want to hurt him anymore. Now, when he says that to ISIS, they would have his dinner and then kill him- they don't play by the rules.  Children and adults, his children have been killed for their faith over the last 10 years- around 1276 in total.

He started off by contextualising the reading from Habakkuk- apparently, he was the one who visited Daniel in the lion's den to bring him food.  He took a risk to help Daniel. In the beginning, everything started so terribly for Habakkuk helping but in the end, he rejoiced..

He said that when people tell him to take care when they say goodbye, he says that he can't take care or how can he help.

The point is, if we always take care of ourselves and don't take risks, how does anything change in the world?  We have to try and put ourselves out there and try to change things.

Am I facing persecution in my faith? No! I might put off my blog friends and readers who don't share my faith, by talking about it. Hey, have you already stopped reading? I'm a Christian- that's the way it is. But persecution- what a coward am I for not doing more, taking risks, sharing, trying to change things, trying to love, live acts of faith.  Opposition is nothing compared to that faced by people in the middle East? What opposition do I face? Not much. Why don't I do anything to help people? Lazy, apathetic, distracted?   One way of taking risks is to love our enemies, no matter how horrid, nasty or barbaric they seem (it is very hard to love ISIS- how loving I must become in order to do that.).

Despite persecution, despite death threats, the people who persecute them, he is called to love, to feed, to educate, to clothe, to tend to, to look after, despite anything. Daily risks to love on a daily basis.  Only then do things change.

At the time, it might be easy to give up, to think, "I can't do this!" but change can and will come in the long term.  I trust in God as does Andrew White and his flock, but perfect love casts out perfect fear.   He coined a catch-phrase: "Take risks, don't fear, the Lord is here."

His talk was surprisingly short, but it was a powerful message.

xxx

BEDM: Ring out the bells, sing out the melody

Today is supposed to be a 'What's in my bag?' post but frankly I cannot be bothered to drag everything out, photograph, upload, waffle about it' at this time of a Friday evening so instead, I shall share some photos I took a few weeks ago.

Our Woods has some beautiful bluebells and CBC and I went last year to see them. This year, my sister came round to see me and I asked if she'd like to come with me to see them.  We took my niece to experience her first bluebells and she loved them.  I hope the sheer joy at spending time with my sister and niece comes across here. The BEDM brief for Wednesday (which I missed) was people who inspire you and my sister is my favourite person in the world. She has always inspired me, looked after me and been tirelessly kind and protective of me. She is an excellent mother and her daughter is a great example of her care and despite her appalling night shifts for work, she will forgoe sleep to look after her and spend time with her. We know each other better than anyone and I just wish I could spent more time with her. She doesn't mind me making a beeline for her crisps in her house or asking random requests. She's a hardworker and she's been successful despite her initial career plans not working out- she has a hard job but she is good at it and they are lucky to have her. Clo, if you're reading, I love you and I thank you SO much for coming with me to see these beautiful flowers and having fun together.  It reminds me of our sojourns in Wales to find the mystical beach!








































And stay tuned for the Bluebells by themselves, in all their glory soon!

xx