...but on the flip side...

On a positive note, I take my first phonics lesson tomorrow. This may be interesting!

Banging one's head against the proverbial brick wall

AHRGH!!!!!!! I seem to only blog when miserable or wanting to rant!
Before beginning this topic of 'seaside' I did a brainstorm activity with the kids so I could see what they knew before my teaching. They talked largely about sandcastles, sand and playing ball. So after 3 weeks of teaching with a focus on the seaside, looking at buildings, other pastimes, natural features etc and the chance to look at seaside books, what are their non-chronological reports saying? 'This report is about sandcastles. The seaside is a place where you can have fun and make sandcastles. At the seaside there are sandcastles and you can play ball and you can eat ice-cream.' And is it organised under headings like we have spent time talking about and practising? Nope, it's in one long order. AHRGHASHADJKAJDKALJDKLJKLJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One day to try and get them back on track.

Did a lesson which was supposed to be fun today, making circuits. Was it fun?

Oh to be able to teach these 3 weeks again. Now onto the last three. Pray for me!

A day of freedom

Week 2 of 6 is now over, as we are at Uni for one day's break tomorrow. It's such a treat not to have to get up at 6!!!
The week has been up and down. The weekend had been lovely doing a flute concert in East Horndon, but Sunday rapidly became miserable as I tried to get my weekly planning done. Literacy is soooooo hard to plan for, especially as I don't get this new framework we have to use now. Nobody has sat down and shown us properly how to use the old one, let alone the new one.
Well anyway, my reflection for the week is that I am pitching my Literacy way too high and expecting far too much of my 6-7 year olds. My tutor came to school on Tuesday and was very nice, helpful and constructive about what was frankly a disasterous ICT lesson. I sooo understand why our ICT tutor told us people hate teaching the Control part of the ICT curriculum as it is manic! Most of my lessons have felt quite disasterous and my timing is still quite bad, my explanation needs honing, my EAL support needs working on, (always over-running) but I have more confidence now than I did on Tuesday.

Today I played piano for KS2 assembly as we have Edwardian day on Tuesday and they have to sing 'God save the King' (and Jerusalem and Land of Hope and Glory), which started being a bit scary, and I somehow ended up offering to teach the 200 children to sing it, and managed to teach them by singing it in bite sized chunks in 10mins! I felt absolutely fearless doing it. It was a lovely feeling!
I also taught a manic literacy lesson, messy but fun content in Science and had a slow worm making a visit. Problem solving in Maths was a nightmare, teaching the seaside song was fab. My class were vile most of the day, so was somewhat in a bad mood. Did anyone find on PGCE, I just find it hard to be in the KS1 classroom on my own without a TA when trying to teach differentiated literacy and numeracy, it's a nightmare. The lower attainers just don't to be able to do anything on their own, but the 2nd to bottom group can't either, and then the poor top 3 groups have barely enough time with me.

This weekend I am playing one of solo recorder parts for Brandenburg 4 in Felsted, which should be exciting. Must get practising...

Meme? Meh meh? Meee mee???

So these Meme things…? Does one pronounce it Meh-meh (as in, well I don’t know what, but a meh sound) or Meeee-meeee as in ‘All all about meeeeeeeeeee’. I’ve always wondered! Can usually not be bothered, as I am not all that interesting, but as I walked through Stepney Green park today and saw a Lord of the Rings advertisement, I started thinking about favourite movie stars and all that, so I thought I would do a mehmeh/meme. I’d be interesting to read if anyone has a go at it though I presume no-one reads my blog as I am not very regular... I tag Welshy, Stephen, Chris and Luvlylittlesister.

Top 6 things I am watching on TV.

1. Dr Who – you know you love it!

2. Ugly Betty- Fabulous, funny, the lovely lovely Henry, Justin the sweetiepie!

3. Hustle – ok so I haven’t managed to watch this much this season, but it’s great!

4. Any dream will do – Fab fab fab! Hurrah for Lee from Southend on Sea!

5. Home and away: not fab, but it’s usually something I might just make it home in time for, whilst I have a brief chill before starting planning.

6. My goodness, I can’t think of anything else!!!!

Top 6 things to read

Always changing, but at the moment

1. Michael Morpugo – writes beautiful books for children. They are so evocative, beautifully written and carry wonderful themes, ideas and characters. The Butterfly Lion is particularly fab!

2. Millgate court in my Mum’s magazine. Ok, so My weekly is for your slightly older reader perhaps, but I like this magazine, it has integrity, is not full of gratuitous sex, being mean to celebrities or indeed much about celebrities, but lovely stories, Romania Appeal, one page of fashion and always some lovely features.

3. Jacqueline Wilson books. Ok, so the characters are annoying, since they are always argumentative, rebellious, and her modes of communication aren’t beautiful but I do enjoy reading them…

4. My utmost for his highest… Oswald Chambers. First seen in the bathroom at Rach and Dan’s, this is a lovely book with a small bible extract and meditation on this for each day, that gives you a thinking point. It’s beautiful and surprisingly when I read it, it seems to show me what I need to know and remember…

5. La Bible: Am on 2 Kings at the moment in my lectionary: must say the Israelites annoy me, always turning back to Baal worship and all that. Silly people. But the new testament reading is John, which is so beautiful and encouraging. His book is written so beautifully and you sense the awesomeness of God.

6. Louisa M. Alcott - who did not want to be Jo???!

7. Because I am feeling greedy, you cant beat a good Enid Blyton book. She writes great stuff. Ooh, I’ll read the Faraway tree books in the holiday again!

Top 6 female movie/TV stars I admire/would most like to look like/think are very beautiful!

1. Liv Tyler

2. Emmy Rossum (Phantom of the Opera)

3. Gemma Craven (Cinderella in the Slipper and the Rose)

4. Sophia Myles. (played Madam Pompadour in DW)

5. Anne Hathaway.

6. I did admire Katie Holmes, though that was when she was younger (and not married to Mr Cruise!)

Top TV/movie guys I’ve noticed recently or still have a lurking preference for…

1. Have to say, though I don’t watch it, Bradley in Eastenders looks a sweetie.

2. Christopher Gorman, AKA Henry in Ugly Betty

3. Paul McGann (maybe in his 40’s but still has that McGann magic)

4. David Tennant: Hello doctor!

5. The guy who played Edmund in the recent ‘Mansfield Park’

6. JJ Field (Freddie in Ruby in the smoke and the guy in Northanger abbey

7. Colin Firth. Still lovely…

Top 6 films to watch when bored.

1. The Slipper and The Rose: a film I have loved since childhood. It has soooo much more meaning now. Beautiful music with lots of lovely flute,

2. I capture the Castle:

3. Princess Diaries1 and Princess Diaries 2

4. Any of the Jane Austen’s that were on recently esp. Mansfield Park

5. Singing in the rain: Lovely film, lovely sentiment, and I love the splashing in the rain. You know, Gene Kelly was very ill when that was filmed that bit!

6. The railway children: Can’t beat it, so beautiful. Either of them- the original or the recent one.

6 things I would do if I had the time

1. Learn Greek (I started so I’ll finish, but when, I don’t know)

2. Learn ballroom dancing. A lovely man called Richard taught me some once, I wish I had learnt it properly

3. Have some flute lessons or singing lessons- I haven’t had lessons for so long, and I really really miss them and wish I could have some.

4. Be in a musical: It’s sooooo much fun! I’m hoping we will be doing one at camp in the summer, but I am fluting so whether I could be in it or not, I don’t know.

5. Paint, draw…

6. Go to aerobics or something like that!

Top 6 chocolaty treats to cheer oneself up with.

1. Ben and Jerry’s Phish food

2. Green and Black’s Maya gold hot chocolate

3. Dairy milk

4. Chocolate mini rolls

5. Chocolate buttons

6. Wispa. The dairymilk bubbles is not the same!

So near yet so far...

I need to blog, because I will burst if I do not write or say outloud what I am feeling right now!
I don't think I can do this.
I have school tomorrow, and I am not ready. I haven't finished my planning. Well, I have all the planning done that I can do for this week, but it isnt very good. I don't have all my resources ready, I am scared of failing and worried and I know that my teacher is going to be really angry. She is fab and I don't want to disappoint her, or sell those kids short. I have tried, but I just get stuck. I am too disorganised. I am trying to use a different planning format using the weekly plan format. I don't feel like I am going to pass. Really. Ahrgh!
I miss my old tutor. I wish I had stayed for an individual session with my new tutor on Friday to tell him how I am feeling about this. I wish I hadnt spent 4 hours in the library photocopying resources which I probably wont use anyway. I wish I had phoned my class teacher to tell her how I was feeling and to see what she expects before now.
I am aimlessly wandering around on this planning. I need to go to bed and sleep, but I am worried and I feel I need to try and get something else done.
I have enjoyed very little of this half term, as I have spent most of it worrying. Why do I waste time like that?

I really want to do this well, but I keep screwing up. I keep wasting time. I keep spending hours looking for resources and not understanding what I am doing. I feel inadequate and a fraud for having been offered jobs when there are so many more people that could do a better job than me.

I feel like I am surviving on Grace alone...

*Sigh*